Today I want to talk about child molestation. Normally I probably won't talk about something this serious, but someone posted some great tips on Babycenter's Bargain Hunter's board that I wanted to share.
What to do if your child tells you they were molested
The other day a poster,
newbutnotreally, posted on the bargain board about what to do if your child tells you they were molested. It is awful, because she knows these tips, because she is currently going through the situation with her own child. But hopefully her anguish and mine will help someone else in the future.
1) Believe them! Experts are in agreement that most children really do not lie about things like this. They do not and should not have enough experience to know to lie about sexual touching. This is especially true if they express that something hurt or scared them because how would they know that penetration hurts? They could not unless they experienced it.
2) REMAIN CALM and do not ask a million questions. Children are easily overwhelmed and will try and please you. They might think that your anger is at them not at them person who hurt them. You can also confuse them by asking a question over and over and they will change their answers because they think that is what you want. Leave the questioning to people who are trained to talk to children about abuse.
3) Assure your child that you believe them and that you will help them. Do not make promises you can not keep though, do not say "they will go to jail." or "You wont be hurt again."
4) Call Child protective services AND the police department. You can call 911, your local precinct or the rape help line if your area has one. Also call child protective services. They will start an investigation.
5) Save their dirty clothing (shirt, pants, underwear, shoes and socks). If you have the dirty clothing that your child was wearing when they last were around this person, preserve any physical evidence by placing clothing in a paper bag not plastic (plastic can cause sweating and destroy semen and saliva). This seems hard to believe but what do you think these perverts are doing? Maybe there is nothing but maybe there is something that will send them to prison and save your child and family the drama of a trial.
6) Do not confront the person. Let the authorities handle it. Schools and camps [if this happens at a school or camp, which newbutnotreally's story did] circle the wagons and are generally more interested in protecting their business than protecting your child.
7) Write everything down. Write down everything your child says exactly. Do this as soon as you can. Stress can make it difficult to recall what has been said and when. Write down who you speak to, better yet get a recorder and record all your conversations (check you state laws first). [I am certainly not a lawyer and I am not positive, but I believe that the law in NY states that as long as one party knows about the recording it is legal to record a conversation, but you cannot record a private conversation without the consent of one of the individuals.] Do not question your child any more about what happened. If they bring it up, be reassuring and let them know that adults sometimes do very bad things but they are powerful, strong and brave for talking about it.
8) Find a forensic psychologist. They specialize in children, to talk to your child. If you cannot afford private therapy there are clinics that can help. The special victims unit of the police can reccomend someone.
9) Take your child to the pediatrician ASAP. Even if you can not see anything bring your child to the doctor just in case. Also they are mandatory reporters and they can be a good resource.
10) Find someone you can talk to as well. A friend, a family member or a therapist. Take care of yourself too. Hind sight is 20/20. Even though looking back you can probably identify many different signs of a problem, it is not your fault, so many signs of abuse could also just be normal behavior but only in the context of abuse do you see what was really going on.
11) Understand that denial is a natural way for your brain to protect itself and fight against it. We have zero doubt about what happened to my son yet I sometimes find myself trying to rationalize what could haven been "really" going on to make it not so bad. I have learned this is normal but you have to fight through it and be rational.
12) People in your life may not believe it at first. People go into denial about child abuse. It is so hard for a normal person to understand that this really happens. They do not want to believe it. Try to help them calmly understand that this does happen. You can also get therapists to talk to them to help them accept that this is real.
This is obviously a very sensitive subject, but one I feel pretty strongly about, because I, myself, was molested as a child, by my father. I've been sitting here thinking, not sure what else to write. I suppose I could just post newbutnotreally's tips and leave it at that, but I feel like I need to say more.
I guess the only things I can think of to say now, are 3 things I want to add to her tips.
13.
Do NOT make them feel ashamed or like they did something wrong! Many, well meaning parents want to keep this information behind closed doors. They do not want others to look down on their child because of what happened to them, so they encourage the child to keep it to themselves (as my mother did). THEY are the VICTIM! If ANYONE looks down on them, because they were a child victimized by an adult, then it is them who have the problem and are not worth associating with. If a child wants to scream it from the rooftops letting everyone in the world know, let them do that. That is how they heal. If they want to tell their friends, coaches, teachers, etc, that is their business. Do not try to push them and their feelings down to hide the "dirty laundry". Let them talk about it as much as they want. Or never if that's what they want too.
14.
Everyone deals with this differently. No two people will react the same way to being molested. However they choose to deal with it is NORMAL, whether you would do it or not. Do not try to push how you think they should deal with it on them. I am one example. Everyone assumes what I MUST be feeling or have felt about the situation and usually couldn't be more wrong. Also, because of how I chose to deal with it, some people felt I must have been lying about it. Everyone just needs to realize that everyone deals with grief/abuse differently and it does not make them wrong. Support them in the way they wish to be supported.
15.
Do not assume that every mistake/attitude/sadness/etc the child goes through MUST be attributed to the molestation. And even if you do think it is due to that, please for the love of all that is holy, keep it to yourself! Sometimes, particularly in the teen years, kids just get sad, get attitude, make mistakes, get angry at GOOD parents, etc and it is perfectly normal! Kids who were not molested deal with these same problems, so don't throw in their face that they must be angry at you, because they were molested (as my mother did to me MANY times). Let them feel like a normal person with normal feelings. And let them feel them and act on them as they try to heal (obviously within reason).
I think that's all I have for this right now. I'm willing to delve into my past, but I'm not sure tonight is the night I want to do it. I will get into it more I'm sure, but for now I'll leave it at this. However, if you have ANY questions or would like to know anything about my story, please feel free to ask! I am EXTREMELY open about the situation, and will tell you anything you want to know, I'm just stuck here, writing to no one, with no clear outline for what I want to write.
Now I'd like to post some fun videos of my beautiful kids to remind me why life is worth living and why we must focus on the positive and not the negative things that can happen. Not at all to minimize the terrible things that happen to children, but to remember that there is much more positive than negative in the world and if we let those negative things overwhelm us they take too much control.
A few weeks ago in dance class the teacher asked the girls what their favorite songs were. Lily's is "Something About the Sunshine" from the Disney movie StarStruck. When the assistant teacher heard it she said "oh I love that song!" and the teacher said she'd have to check it out. And now they are learning their routine to it! I LOVE that Lily's song got chosen! It's so fun for her! Here they are learning the beginning of it. It's rough, but it's only been 3 classes.
Riley swimming 25 freestyle in Auburn. This is the one where he took 5.29 seconds off his time and he came in 1st in his heat!
Riley swimming 25 backstroke in Auburn. Took .85 off his time and also came in first for his heat! I also heard today that he came in 3rd overall in his butterfly in Auburn, earning the team points toward the meet! Granted there were only 4 kids in the race, but still that's awesome! It's so exciting!
And finally our thankfuls for the day!
Today I am thankful for:
1. Bedtime LOL!
2. Lily did really well at dance tonight!
3. Riley got ready for bed as soon as I asked him!
4. We get paid on Thurs! [Jeremiah only gets paid once a month and sometimes it's tough, especially with all the money we put towards the new house!]
5. We have a great family who is always willing and able to help when we need it! [Jeremiah had to go into work early and my mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law took Riley to swim for me, while I took Lily to dance.]
Riley is thankful for:
1. My teacher.
2. Getting ribbons at swim! [He got 5 this week, 2 for the Oswego meet and 3 for the Auburn meet! Oswego Meet 25 Backstroke -8.28 seconds, and 50 Freestyle first time he did it and didn't get DQ'd, took him 1 minute 21.89 seconds. Auburn Meet, 25 backstroke -.85 seconds, 25 freestyle -5.29 seconds, and first time doing the 25 Butterfly and didn't DQ, took 39.5 seconds.]
3. My grandmas and grandpas.
4. My swim team.
5. Grandma took me to swim practice and McDonald's and I got a toy car.
Lily is thankful for:
1. "I'm thankful for you!"
2. Caitlyn (she looks pretty!). [Girl in her class]
3. I got to see Grandma Rosie and Grandpa Ken tonight.
4. I got stickers at dance!
5. Riley!
Jeremiah is thankful for:
1. Sleep.
2. Mickey Mouse, because he makes Lily and me laugh!
3. Warm weather.
4. The thought of going to Disney. [We are hoping to be able to go back this year]
5. Pepperjack cheese. [Yes, my husband is a dork LOL!]
Thank you for listening! And have a happy Wednesday! :-)
It was supposed to look like this, and it *sort of* did LOL, but not quite.
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